[Evelyn isn't Sarah, or Tess, or any other woman in residence, and she rather likes it that way.
Standing in front of the biology texts with a (predictably) book in her hands she is wholly unaware of whoever may or may not be watching her, which is why the instant she feels an arm - masculine, muscular - wrap around her waist she immediately freezes. It isn't tension so much as it is mild concern, because her previous encounters of this nature were not particularly favourable ones, and she isn't aware of anyone in residence who might greet her with such ardour.
Even less so for the sensation that happens next: a bearded chin scratching the curve of her neck, warm breath on her skin, a deep, gravelly voice in her ear that she recognises easily.]
Joel.
[Evelyn says lightly, closing the book with unprecedented slowness. Not once in their friendship has he ever said hello in quite so intimate a fashion, and in spite of the tingling she can feel rolling over her skin, a longing for it, Evelyn knows that it isn't within his character.]
[ She smells amazing, even better than she had the night before. She's all spices and old books and some kind of scented shampoo, and he breathes it in for a moment, humming contentedly, before he - reluctantly - lets her go. ]
Yes it is.
[ He steps back to look at her, cocking an eyebrow and giving her a hint of a smile that's just short of overtly suggestive. ]
[The space is appreciated, if only because she doesn't entirely trust herself not to lean into that kind of contact, not to take it for granted. Joel has never been so forward with her, and while she wants to ask him to touch her again she might be better served to determine why he has touched her at all.
Her poor impulse control isn't helping.
Evelyn looks at him, then at a nearby shelf, then at Joel once more, confused. His smile is almost rakish, knowing, as though he is inferring something and she cannot tell what it is.]
[ She's not smiling back at him, the way she had the previous night. She looks...confused, lost almost, gaze flicking back and forth between him and the books. Joel's smile falters slightly, but then he bolsters himself, leaning in to murmur quietly enough that only she will hear.
Perhaps she just doesn't want an audience. ]
I jus' hope you weren't too sore, after that performance.
[He leans into her space casually, with a comfortable ease she's never seen him utilise, closer, and closer still. When Joel speaks again it rumbles through her like a roll of thunder and Evelyn feels her face growing hot by the second as she shrinks under him.
Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.]
Wh-
[Evelyn swallows hard and the burning descends from her cheeks to her throat as she stares at him, an animal caught in the lights.]
He pauses, hesitating for the first time. Evie's cheeks are that same rosy pink he's so familiar with by now, and the sight of her like this, blushing and so close he can hear her breathing, makes him want to do nothing more than grab her and continue where he left off.
With difficulty, he pushes that impulse back, concentrating instead on the question before him, on the way Evie is staring wide-eyed at him. ]
I - I didn't mean -
[ He shakes his head, chagrined. ]
I know it weren't a performance, Evie. I know you...I meant it all too.
[ And he reaches out, catching a stray curl and tucking it behind her ear, sliding a tender knuckle down her cheek. ]
[There is some sort of catastrophic disconnect here, something she is missing while Joel has all the pieces, can see something she cannot. Evelyn starts, barely, when he suddenly reaches toward her to push her hair behind one ear, to caress her cheek as though he were familiar with it on an intimate level.
Perhaps he is. Perhaps he thinks he is. Aware that she was Mirrorside the previous evening, Evelyn can only surmise who he may have run into and the implications do not bode well for either of them.]
...Joel.
[Her tone firms up as soon as the contact is lost and Evelyn wills some of the pink away from her face, as much as she would like to enjoy the moment. Her suspicions are disastrously strong.]
I don't know what you're talking about. Last night I was on the other side of the looking glass. The event, it- Mirrors were over here. [A beat.] I wasn't.
There's an instant before the realization hits, Joel staring in nothing but confusion as her words sink in. And then it hits, all at once. The deception. The mistake. The enormity of what he'd just done. Of what he'd admitted to.
His eyes widen, the blood draining out of his face. His hand drops to his side, and he stumbles backwards, shaking his head slowly in disbelief. ]
I...
[ His mouth is dry. He swallows hard. Christ, he's never going to be able to face her again. ]
I'm...sorry, Evelyn. I...forget it. Just...just forget it all.
[ He's backing up faster now, all but tripping over a chair in his haste to get away from her. ]
...I'm so sorry.
[ And he's gone, turning tail and all but running out of the library and back to safety. ]
No doubt her Mirror preyed on Evelyn's own desires, on what she believed Joel's to be, and manipulated him. Took the leap where Evelyn was concerned about doing so, for fear of losing him as a friend, of scaring him away. Perhaps the terror wasn't all that unfounded, judging by the way that Joel suddenly pales, half-turns to leave.
He apologises profusely and shunts the subject off to one side while she is left staring. Forget it. As if she could, with the sensation of his finger curling over her cheek burning that track into her skin. By the time Evelyn mentally collects herself he's already panicked and started to flee and she watches him sprint past the far bookshelves and out of sight. Evelyn follows, if at a much slower pace, coming to terms with it all.
When she makes it to his door she thinks herself a much steadier creature, angry that he left with nothing but excuses, hopeful for something that probably isn't hers to have.
She knocks demonstratively, thrice.]
Joel.
[Another set of knocks.]
If you don't open this door, I'll make a scene.
[A vain threat, because it isn't her style. She would never be so maudlin.]
[ It's a long time before he answers, all the same. He doesn't believe for a moment that she'll make a scene, but he does believe that she'll park herself stubbornly outside his door and refuse to let him out until he faces her.
Why can't she just leave him to suffer alone?
Reluctantly, he opens the door just enough to look through, blocking the opening solidly with his body so she can't slip past and into the room. ]
I said I'm sorry, Evelyn. It was an honest mistake. I never meant to...to take liberties.
[ To talk to her, touch her in such a way. She must have been terrified. Thought he was a monster. He drops his gaze to the floor. ]
If I made you uncomfortable...
[ Who is he kidding? Of course he had. ]
Please, just...forget it ever happened. I swear it won't happen again.
[Evelyn paces. She leans against the jamb. She is seconds away from seating herself on the floor just outside his door when he opens it, startling her. Hand fluttering to her locket anxiously Evelyn watches him through the crack, sees the way his eyes dart around her, rather than at her.
An honest mistake. Perhaps, but she wishes he had made a mistake with her.]
I can't.
[She finally manages, when he allows her to get a word in edgewise.]
I can't forget about it.
[Feeling vulnerable and raw, too bare standing in the hallway while he remains protected - every staunch English part of her begging for privacy that he will not grant her - Evelyn folds her arms over her chest, turns a little, poised to pace once more. Finally, after a long moment of deliberation, she shakes her head and lowers her voice.]
I can't forget about it because I've wanted it for weeks, Joel. For months. I've- I've wanted you since- I don't remember when.
[ Of course she can't. Selfish of him to ask, to think she could dismiss what he'd done so easily. That they could act like it had never happened. Joel drops his head in shame, staring sightlessly at the floor.
He's so busy internally beating himself up, trying to think of some apology that doesn't fall ten miles shy of the mark, that he barely hears what she says next. Much less manages to comprehend it. ]
...what?
[ Slowly, he lifts his head, gazing at her in astonishment and disbelief. ]
[Having already confessed Evelyn suddenly looks severely annoyed with him, cross that he would make her say it again while she is standing out here in the hall like some sort of unwanted Christmas caroler.]
Don't-
[Evelyn steps closer, as much as she can manage while he has her sequestered, trying to maintain serious eye contact and shifting with a brief glance down the corridor. Her voice lowers.]
...please. Let me in. I don't want to talk about it like this.
[ He doesn't want to. Unable, still, to grasp what she's telling him, to believe it, he wants nothing more then to shut the door, to berate himself away from those wide, troubled eyes.
But he knows Evelyn too well. Even if he turns her away now, she won't leave. He won't get a moment's peace until he talks to her.
Wordlessly, he steps back, looking away in shame again as he opens the door just wide enough to let her in. ]
[Evelyn moves swiftly, before he is able to change his mind, slipping between the jamb and the door, and him, into his rooms. She hasn't yet been here herself - or perhaps "she" was, once, last night for an extended period of time - but the decor is simple, the polar opposite of ostentatious. Similarly Joel is a simple man with simple needs, and a few steps down the corridor she stops, turning, to look at him.]
I've imagined it. You coming to me.
[He isn't making eye contact and she doesn't force him to do so.]
Not in the same way that you did, but with intent and purpose still. I've thought about it this past year and never knew if you- if you felt the same, or if you ever would.
[ Joel keeps his eyes on the ground as she speaks, brow furrowed as he slowly starts to put the pieces together. He shuts the door behind her, turning and following her down the hall. ]
You have, huh.
[ He lifts his eyes, finally, gaze still hooded and wary, but looking at her. ]
[She says, emphasised with something more sigh than exclamation. Joel's lack of surety is understandable, save for the fact he spent the evening with her - another her. Something he considered so believable then, clearly, and much less so now. Is it the disappointment that restrains him at present? The fear?]
All this- bloody time, Joel, and I cannot say that I'm not disappointed it wasn't me.
[Too often her Mirror has crossed to their side to sow doubt and reap the benefits from those who are looking for succor, or hold affections for her. It only just happened that this time her double got to the man she wanted first. Quieter,]
[ He'd believed it then, despite himself. It's not that it had been easy then, either. He'd suspected some kind of catch - a hallucination based on his deepest desires, perhaps, the mansion offering up what he wanted most only to snatch it away again, or turn it on its head.
In the end, he'd decided the reward was worth whatever risk came with it. Worth it, if only for a night, if only to prevent himself from lying awake deep into the night, thinking of what he'd missed out on.
But she hadn't turned into a monster and ripped his throat out at the moment of climax, hadn't turned to mist and slipped from his grasp. She'd been real, and alive, and it had been good...until the next morning. Until he'd gone into the library and Evie had looked at him in confusion and blank incomprehension.
And then she'd followed him. All the way back here, to make some...some love confession. All this time. All this time, and he'd never guessed.
He nods, and steps closer, gaze inscrutable as he searches her face. ]
Well, it's you now. You an' me. But let's get one thing straight first.
[ And in a flash, he has her up against the wall, hand at her throat, lifting her off her feet as he chokes her. ]
That's all you get. You can fuck with me all you want. Lie to me, seduce me. Kill me, I don't care.
But you leave her the fuck outta this. You hear? No more pretendin'. No more playin' at innocence. She ain't done nothin' to you, and if you do anything to hurt her just one more time, one more, I'll kill you myself. You understand?
[ His eyes are hard flint now, glaring intently. This is the Joel who'd twisted a knife into a man's kneecap before snapping his neck, who'd pistol-whipped another and shot his balls off before even giving him a chance to give him the information he'd asked for.
[Waiting for an answer feels like forever, staring up at Joel in something altogether too similar to discomfort. A lack of real standing. Complete ignorance. How had she not realised it sooner, that he had eyes for her? Was he so subtle as to not be noticed, even when she made her best attempts at flirting? Was he aware, and chose to withhold affections until the opportune time?
Her heart climbing up into her mouth in anxiety Evelyn hopes against hope as he steps into her atmosphere again and his heat is almost smothering. The hands that fidgeted so uselessly before her don't have the chance to reach for him when he suddenly reaches for her.
Evelyn's head slams against the plaster and the fingers she had wanted so desperately to hold in her own wrap around her throat tightly, sliding her bodily up the wall while she clutches at his wrist for dear life. In her eyes there is nothing but shock - fear, betrayal - while her mouth works soundlessly to speak, his grip squeezing the air from her lungs.]
Jo-
[She scrabbles more frantically, nails digging into the forearm that might as well be solid steel and Evelyn cannot draw a breath for the wheezing, barely hearing his words but understanding the venom behind them.
Why?
Her feet kick uselessly and something shifts with a cartilage crunch in her neck and Evelyn wonders if this is what it feels like to be hanged, staring at him-
Why?
-the well of a tear preparing to streak down her cheek.]
[ She struggles against him, but it's the struggle of a creature trapped, fighting for its life. No vicious kicks to his shins, no eyes glaring daggers at him, no choked-out vows of revenge. Her eyes are wide and shocked and scared, lost and confused, and they never leave his.
A tear threatens to spill down her cheek, her hand grasping uselessly at his wrist, and something catches his eye. A shape on her wrist, a star in a circle of flame.
A tattoo. One that hadn't been on the wrist of the women he'd been with the night before.
He loosens his grip, staring in shock. ]
Evie?
[ His eyes wide with dawning horror, he looks back at her, dropping to his knees alongside her as he pulls his hand back and she slumps to the ground. ]
[He doesn't know but the fact doesn't make her any less scared, certain with the greying edges of her vision that she might just lose consciousness until he suddenly drops her. Evelyn's legs crumple beneath her and she takes a choked, gasping breath, slumped against the wall with her eyes half-lidded, fingers fumbling protectively for her throat.
Breathing shallowly her chin dips toward the ground and her hand shakes as it flutters to the sore mark up under her jaw, red and already turning purple. Joel she barely registers, too concerned with trying to get precious oxygen back inside her, shuddering on the floor.]
[ Shit, shit, shit, shit. Joel crouches over her, fighting back panic. If she dies now...
No. She can't die. If she does, he'll fucking kill himself. ]
I - I'm sorry - Evie, c'mon, honey.
[ With shaking hands he catches her before her head can hit the floor, pulling her half into his lap and rubbing uselessly at her arms, pushing her hair back from her face. ]
I'm sorry - Evie, please, just - just c'mon now, just breathe, please -
[The lack of careful, deliberate breathing isn't for lack of trying: Evelyn's first inhales and exhales are shallow, scratchy, the adrenaline gradually slowing the more she gets into her system, the more she lets herself recover. Eyes fluttered shut Evelyn waits for the pulse of her heartbeat to ease, distantly feeling Joel pull her against him, callused fingers pushing back her hair.
A minute or two of just breathing, quietly, while the world spins back to solid ground and her throat's only protest is that it aches, a dull throb in the back of her mind. Her head lolls to one side and she opens her eyes again, getting an eyeful of Joel's bearded jaw, his terrified face.
Serves him bloody right.
Evelyn reaches up with a shaky hand, slipping her fingers over the cheek closest to her, rough hair and angular features. For a moment she lets it sit, still tired, and then with a renewed burst of energy she smacks him hard across the face.]
[ He watches her anxiously, heart in his throat, as she gasps for air she cannot take in, her shaking hand reaching up to cover a red and bruising throat. For a moment he fears the worst, but then her breathing slows and steadies, at long last. She opens her eyes to look at him and Joel can only stare, still frozen in fear and horrible guilt.
When she reaches up to caress his face he doesn't even know how to react, and so he doesn't, staring wide-eyed at her until -
He flinches, the force of the slap snapping his head to the side, and then looks back at her with a relieved grimace. Yeah, he'd deserved that. ]
...Evie.
[ He's a broken record, at this point, but what more can he say? ]
[His voice cracks on the words but she can't rummage up the sympathy, no longer gasping like a hooked fish on the line, but breathing hard and sharp through her nose. Evelyn clears her throat, swallows, works it carefully to determine nothing is broken before easing herself upright.
Her hair spills back over her shoulders in messy ringlets and her hand braces against her bruised flesh once more. She lets him simmer for another long moment.]
Is that what you usually do when a girl tells you that she has feelings for you?
[She inquires, a little scratchy, giving him a guarded look.]
[His gaze dips in an unsatisfactory manner, and one she seeks to command if he is going to wallow the way that she presumes he will.
Having never witnessed Joel in the state in which she just saw him Evelyn is hard-pressed to avoid considering what that could mean for other aspects of who he is. How much he has hidden from her.]
Why would you think me a liar? That I could never- [For a moment she looks prepared to cough, and clears her throat again instead.] -want you? That I was my Mirror?
[ He does, reluctant, but unable to refuse her. He looks tired, hollow, regretting the last few minutes as much as he'd ever regretted anything in his life.
At her question, though, he can barely restrain a scoff of incredulity. ]
Why would I? Are you - are you kiddin'?
[ Of course she's not, though, and he shakes his head. ]
Why would I ever think you could want me? Jesus, Evie, I'm a mess. Look at - look at what I just did t'ya.
[ How could any woman want him, a tired, sad old man like him? Much less someone as beautiful, as confident, as accomplished as Evelyn O'Connell. He shakes his head again. ]
Christ, Evie, I don't deserve you. I never could. We both know that.
[She points out, angrier at her Mirror than him, livid that she got to him first and left things so bitter that he would lash out. In an attempt to protect her, no less, even if he didn't know it was her at all. Evelyn's hands drop into her lap.]
That I wanted you. [I want it to be me.] Even if it was...her.
[Evelyn allows the words to sink in slowly, ice melting on skin, as the elephant in this particular room is obvious to them both. Then she lifts her chin, tipping her head away from him, exposing the thumbprint on her throat. Evelyn glances askance at him.]
[ He says it quietly, barely audible. He hadn't understood his good luck, how everything he'd dreamed of could possibly be coming true like that, but he'd wanted her, had been wanting her, so badly for so long that he'd just accepted it. Decided not to look the gift horse in the mouth. ]
[ He twists up the corner of his mouth bitterly, all too aware of the irony.
Joel looks up at her again, confusion clear on his face. He had apologized, more than once. He doesn't protest, though. She deserves a week of apologies, if that's what she wants. A month. ]
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was tryin' t'protect you. I didn't know.
Aching. Longing. Lusting. His arms had slipped around her waist so easily when he approached her, the rough scratch of his beard at the juncture between neck and shoulder, the smell of him warm and close and intoxicating. For brief moments Evelyn had scarcely been able to stand for her want of him, held up only by pure will and Joel's steady grasp.
All this is a side of him she has never seen. Anger, yes, and fear - she knows his temper - but the threats he espoused, what he suggested he do to her Mirror regardless of how she treated him...it isn't surprising, so much as it is eye-opening. She appreciates the condolences as he is clearly sincere, but this isn't what she intended.
Evelyn lifts a hand again, fingertips curling over the bruise he left, pointed and deliberate in the gesture.]
He hesitates, looking at her for a long moment, wanting to be sure that he isn't misunderstanding her. That he won't offend her, or scare her. Give her anything she doesn't want. But she doesn't shrink away from him, or shift her eyes away from his gaze, and after a moment Joel nods gravely.
He moves closer, crouching in front of her on his knees, and bends his head to her neck, giving her plenty of time to change her mind and push him away before he presses his lips to her bruised and purpling skin. His kisses are soft, fluttering things, the barest press of his mouth all along the ugly handprint he'd left on her neck, light, feathery touches to skin that he knows is tender and fragile.
[Evelyn's gaze is more challenge than acknowledgment, waiting on him to follow through with a suggestion that might seem absurd in light of the circumstances.
But he prostrates himself, after a fashion: Joel nods with unprecedented seriousness, moving before her, lowering himself. Debasement for the sake of her satisfaction in accepting his bid for forgiveness. She lifts her chin as he leans in and his mouth knocks the breath out of her faster than his hand had only minutes prior. Evelyn had anticipated a single apology but he offers a flurry of them, gentle and careful, sincere.
Her eyes slip shut before she can help it and Evelyn makes a small sound of approbation, taken in by the warmth of his breath and the scrape of his chin. Her fingers travel up again, lingering on her lips.]
[ Joel pulls back when she speaks, only to see her fingers tapping her lips lightly, and he swallows hard, his chest and his pants alike suddenly tight. It can't be this easy. There's no way she's going to forgive him all of that in exchange for a few kisses.
But he'll take this while it lasts. He murmurs in acknowledgement, then reaches for her, gently cradling the back of her head with one hand, fingers sliding through soft hair as he lowers his mouth to hers and kisses her gently. ]
[Evelyn cannot and will not forgive him so easily, but it's a start. Had she met his Mirror and found him an abominable person she would have reacted similarly, if not worse. Not everyone can pick up a person with one hand and shove them against a wall, and that's why she often carries a handgun.
But none of that matters all that much when Joel takes her order seriously instead of protesting, agreeing to the terms without complaint, and Evelyn shivers as his knuckles brush the flesh of her throat before curling into her hair. His hand is warm and wary, so much so that she almost feels guilty for giving him a challenging stare until he can no longer maintain eye contact for the extreme proximity.
Joel kisses her and Evelyn's lips part in response to let out a soft sigh, pressing back ever so slightly. It is sweet, this kiss, and not at all what she expected, though she does not know what she expected in the first place.
Fingers hunting for purchase they twine in his shirt, gently pulling, anxious for what she has craved.]
[ It is impossible not to compare this kiss to the ones he had shared with her Mirror the previous night. She had been passionate, skillful, wanting, and Joel had, at the time, been certain that nothing could ever make him happier.
This is far better.
There is no selfishness in the way Evie pulls at his shirt, no ulterior motives in the press of her lips against his own. He had sensed, last night, that Evelyn was keeping something from him. At the time, he had thought it tantalizingly mysterious. Erotic, and right, that a beautiful woman should have secrets to keep. It had only stirred his lust to greater heights. But now, with Evie, the real Evie, open and vulnerable beside him, trusting him even after he had hurt her, unabashedly eager for him...
His heart floods with warmth, nearly extinguishing his guilt, and he bends towards her when she tugs at him, deepening the kiss. ]
[There is selfishness in her desire for him, certainly, and selfishness is not something in which Evelyn indulges all that often. She needs it now and again to remind herself why rewards of this nature are so precious and fleeting, she needs him to return the favour before it feels as though he is no longer interested, having already metaphorically walked in her metaphorical garden.
Joel does not disappoint, urged by her gentle tugging and he leans into her. His fingers span the nape of her neck and Evelyn opens her mouth to him, teeth just catching his lip in encouragement. But the strain of craning forward reminds her of her state and Evelyn's hand crawls up to Joel's throat, curled loosely over his Adam's apple when she pulls away enough to breathe.]
Never touch me like that again. [She whispers, thumb brushing his skin.] Promise me.
[ He doesn't want to stop, but there's no way he can refuse her when she gently pulls away. Joel goes reluctantly, searching her face with a mixture of worry and longing, and at her words, he swallows, mouth suddenly dry and brain full of uncertainty.
What does she mean? Don't threaten me again, don't hurt me? More than understandable, and not something she should even have to ask.
Or is it worse than that?
Never touch me like that again.
Has he blown it already? Is this all he gets, one kiss he'd never deserved before she - justifiably - turns him away forever?
He swallows again, slowly letting his hand fall away from her.
[Evelyn barely allows him the time to finish his sentence before she interrupts with a hasty-]
Good.
[-as he hand skips back up to his cheek, scratchy and warm. There is a discernible fear in Joel's eyes - that he might have done something else, maybe, and that fear is warranted - but she would never be so cruel as to dangle the carrot before presenting one with the stick. The draw to him is too strong now, and she is too insatiable, so much so that Evelyn practically speaks against his mouth, harried and in a rush.]
I know you want to protect me. [A blessing she can give him, if he so desires.] I want that too, but I want you first. Just you.
[ Apparently he hadn't ruined everything after all. Miraculously. He still doesn't understand his luck, even less so now than he had when her Mirror had approached him and he'd decided to take what he was being offered without unnecessary question, but as he had then, he decides the wisest course is to take it.
And hope it doesn't come back to bite him in the ass this time.
He sighs into her mouth, sliding a hand into her hair again, kissing her gently, then leaning his forehead forward to rest against hers. His voice is a low rumble, an implicit promise. ]
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uncalendula) wrote2017-11-22 01:39 pm
no subject
Standing in front of the biology texts with a (predictably) book in her hands she is wholly unaware of whoever may or may not be watching her, which is why the instant she feels an arm - masculine, muscular - wrap around her waist she immediately freezes. It isn't tension so much as it is mild concern, because her previous encounters of this nature were not particularly favourable ones, and she isn't aware of anyone in residence who might greet her with such ardour.
Even less so for the sensation that happens next: a bearded chin scratching the curve of her neck, warm breath on her skin, a deep, gravelly voice in her ear that she recognises easily.]
Joel.
[Evelyn says lightly, closing the book with unprecedented slowness. Not once in their friendship has he ever said hello in quite so intimate a fashion, and in spite of the tingling she can feel rolling over her skin, a longing for it, Evelyn knows that it isn't within his character.]
Ah. Good morning?
no subject
Yes it is.
[ He steps back to look at her, cocking an eyebrow and giving her a hint of a smile that's just short of overtly suggestive. ]
Sleep well?
no subject
Her poor impulse control isn't helping.
Evelyn looks at him, then at a nearby shelf, then at Joel once more, confused. His smile is almost rakish, knowing, as though he is inferring something and she cannot tell what it is.]
...should I not have?
no subject
Perhaps she just doesn't want an audience. ]
I jus' hope you weren't too sore, after that performance.
no subject
Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.]
Wh-
[Evelyn swallows hard and the burning descends from her cheeks to her throat as she stares at him, an animal caught in the lights.]
What performance?
no subject
He pauses, hesitating for the first time. Evie's cheeks are that same rosy pink he's so familiar with by now, and the sight of her like this, blushing and so close he can hear her breathing, makes him want to do nothing more than grab her and continue where he left off.
With difficulty, he pushes that impulse back, concentrating instead on the question before him, on the way Evie is staring wide-eyed at him. ]
I - I didn't mean -
[ He shakes his head, chagrined. ]
I know it weren't a performance, Evie. I know you...I meant it all too.
[ And he reaches out, catching a stray curl and tucking it behind her ear, sliding a tender knuckle down her cheek. ]
Every bit of it.
no subject
Perhaps he is. Perhaps he thinks he is. Aware that she was Mirrorside the previous evening, Evelyn can only surmise who he may have run into and the implications do not bode well for either of them.]
...Joel.
[Her tone firms up as soon as the contact is lost and Evelyn wills some of the pink away from her face, as much as she would like to enjoy the moment. Her suspicions are disastrously strong.]
I don't know what you're talking about. Last night I was on the other side of the looking glass. The event, it- Mirrors were over here. [A beat.] I wasn't.
no subject
There's an instant before the realization hits, Joel staring in nothing but confusion as her words sink in. And then it hits, all at once. The deception. The mistake. The enormity of what he'd just done. Of what he'd admitted to.
His eyes widen, the blood draining out of his face. His hand drops to his side, and he stumbles backwards, shaking his head slowly in disbelief. ]
I...
[ His mouth is dry. He swallows hard. Christ, he's never going to be able to face her again. ]
I'm...sorry, Evelyn. I...forget it. Just...just forget it all.
[ He's backing up faster now, all but tripping over a chair in his haste to get away from her. ]
...I'm so sorry.
[ And he's gone, turning tail and all but running out of the library and back to safety. ]
no subject
No doubt her Mirror preyed on Evelyn's own desires, on what she believed Joel's to be, and manipulated him. Took the leap where Evelyn was concerned about doing so, for fear of losing him as a friend, of scaring him away. Perhaps the terror wasn't all that unfounded, judging by the way that Joel suddenly pales, half-turns to leave.
He apologises profusely and shunts the subject off to one side while she is left staring. Forget it. As if she could, with the sensation of his finger curling over her cheek burning that track into her skin. By the time Evelyn mentally collects herself he's already panicked and started to flee and she watches him sprint past the far bookshelves and out of sight. Evelyn follows, if at a much slower pace, coming to terms with it all.
When she makes it to his door she thinks herself a much steadier creature, angry that he left with nothing but excuses, hopeful for something that probably isn't hers to have.
She knocks demonstratively, thrice.]
Joel.
[Another set of knocks.]
If you don't open this door, I'll make a scene.
[A vain threat, because it isn't her style. She would never be so maudlin.]
I'll sit out here all night.
[Better.]
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Why can't she just leave him to suffer alone?
Reluctantly, he opens the door just enough to look through, blocking the opening solidly with his body so she can't slip past and into the room. ]
I said I'm sorry, Evelyn. It was an honest mistake. I never meant to...to take liberties.
[ To talk to her, touch her in such a way. She must have been terrified. Thought he was a monster. He drops his gaze to the floor. ]
If I made you uncomfortable...
[ Who is he kidding? Of course he had. ]
Please, just...forget it ever happened. I swear it won't happen again.
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An honest mistake. Perhaps, but she wishes he had made a mistake with her.]
I can't.
[She finally manages, when he allows her to get a word in edgewise.]
I can't forget about it.
[Feeling vulnerable and raw, too bare standing in the hallway while he remains protected - every staunch English part of her begging for privacy that he will not grant her - Evelyn folds her arms over her chest, turns a little, poised to pace once more. Finally, after a long moment of deliberation, she shakes her head and lowers her voice.]
I can't forget about it because I've wanted it for weeks, Joel. For months. I've- I've wanted you since- I don't remember when.
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He's so busy internally beating himself up, trying to think of some apology that doesn't fall ten miles shy of the mark, that he barely hears what she says next. Much less manages to comprehend it. ]
...what?
[ Slowly, he lifts his head, gazing at her in astonishment and disbelief. ]
You...you what?
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Don't-
[Evelyn steps closer, as much as she can manage while he has her sequestered, trying to maintain serious eye contact and shifting with a brief glance down the corridor. Her voice lowers.]
...please. Let me in. I don't want to talk about it like this.
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But he knows Evelyn too well. Even if he turns her away now, she won't leave. He won't get a moment's peace until he talks to her.
Wordlessly, he steps back, looking away in shame again as he opens the door just wide enough to let her in. ]
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I've imagined it. You coming to me.
[He isn't making eye contact and she doesn't force him to do so.]
Not in the same way that you did, but with intent and purpose still. I've thought about it this past year and never knew if you- if you felt the same, or if you ever would.
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You have, huh.
[ He lifts his eyes, finally, gaze still hooded and wary, but looking at her. ]
You...you've wanted...that? All this time?
[ Weeks, she'd said. Months.
Impossible. ]
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[She says, emphasised with something more sigh than exclamation. Joel's lack of surety is understandable, save for the fact he spent the evening with her - another her. Something he considered so believable then, clearly, and much less so now. Is it the disappointment that restrains him at present? The fear?]
All this- bloody time, Joel, and I cannot say that I'm not disappointed it wasn't me.
[Too often her Mirror has crossed to their side to sow doubt and reap the benefits from those who are looking for succor, or hold affections for her. It only just happened that this time her double got to the man she wanted first. Quieter,]
I want it to be me.
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In the end, he'd decided the reward was worth whatever risk came with it. Worth it, if only for a night, if only to prevent himself from lying awake deep into the night, thinking of what he'd missed out on.
But she hadn't turned into a monster and ripped his throat out at the moment of climax, hadn't turned to mist and slipped from his grasp. She'd been real, and alive, and it had been good...until the next morning. Until he'd gone into the library and Evie had looked at him in confusion and blank incomprehension.
And then she'd followed him. All the way back here, to make some...some love confession. All this time. All this time, and he'd never guessed.
He nods, and steps closer, gaze inscrutable as he searches her face. ]
Well, it's you now. You an' me. But let's get one thing straight first.
[ And in a flash, he has her up against the wall, hand at her throat, lifting her off her feet as he chokes her. ]
That's all you get. You can fuck with me all you want. Lie to me, seduce me. Kill me, I don't care.
But you leave her the fuck outta this. You hear? No more pretendin'. No more playin' at innocence. She ain't done nothin' to you, and if you do anything to hurt her just one more time, one more, I'll kill you myself. You understand?
[ His eyes are hard flint now, glaring intently. This is the Joel who'd twisted a knife into a man's kneecap before snapping his neck, who'd pistol-whipped another and shot his balls off before even giving him a chance to give him the information he'd asked for.
This is Joel protecting someone he loves. ]
Tell me you understand.
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Her heart climbing up into her mouth in anxiety Evelyn hopes against hope as he steps into her atmosphere again and his heat is almost smothering. The hands that fidgeted so uselessly before her don't have the chance to reach for him when he suddenly reaches for her.
Evelyn's head slams against the plaster and the fingers she had wanted so desperately to hold in her own wrap around her throat tightly, sliding her bodily up the wall while she clutches at his wrist for dear life. In her eyes there is nothing but shock - fear, betrayal - while her mouth works soundlessly to speak, his grip squeezing the air from her lungs.]
Jo-
[She scrabbles more frantically, nails digging into the forearm that might as well be solid steel and Evelyn cannot draw a breath for the wheezing, barely hearing his words but understanding the venom behind them.
Her feet kick uselessly and something shifts with a cartilage crunch in her neck and Evelyn wonders if this is what it feels like to be hanged, staring at him-
-the well of a tear preparing to streak down her cheek.]
S'me-
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A tear threatens to spill down her cheek, her hand grasping uselessly at his wrist, and something catches his eye. A shape on her wrist, a star in a circle of flame.
A tattoo. One that hadn't been on the wrist of the women he'd been with the night before.
He loosens his grip, staring in shock. ]
Evie?
[ His eyes wide with dawning horror, he looks back at her, dropping to his knees alongside her as he pulls his hand back and she slumps to the ground. ]
...Evie? Oh, God...
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Breathing shallowly her chin dips toward the ground and her hand shakes as it flutters to the sore mark up under her jaw, red and already turning purple. Joel she barely registers, too concerned with trying to get precious oxygen back inside her, shuddering on the floor.]
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[ Shit, shit, shit, shit. Joel crouches over her, fighting back panic. If she dies now...
No. She can't die. If she does, he'll fucking kill himself. ]
I - I'm sorry - Evie, c'mon, honey.
[ With shaking hands he catches her before her head can hit the floor, pulling her half into his lap and rubbing uselessly at her arms, pushing her hair back from her face. ]
I'm sorry - Evie, please, just - just c'mon now, just breathe, please -
c:
A minute or two of just breathing, quietly, while the world spins back to solid ground and her throat's only protest is that it aches, a dull throb in the back of her mind. Her head lolls to one side and she opens her eyes again, getting an eyeful of Joel's bearded jaw, his terrified face.
Serves him bloody right.
Evelyn reaches up with a shaky hand, slipping her fingers over the cheek closest to her, rough hair and angular features. For a moment she lets it sit, still tired, and then with a renewed burst of energy she smacks him hard across the face.]
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When she reaches up to caress his face he doesn't even know how to react, and so he doesn't, staring wide-eyed at her until -
He flinches, the force of the slap snapping his head to the side, and then looks back at her with a relieved grimace. Yeah, he'd deserved that. ]
...Evie.
[ He's a broken record, at this point, but what more can he say? ]
I'm sorry.
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Her hair spills back over her shoulders in messy ringlets and her hand braces against her bruised flesh once more. She lets him simmer for another long moment.]
Is that what you usually do when a girl tells you that she has feelings for you?
[She inquires, a little scratchy, giving him a guarded look.]
Throttle her?
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He drops his eyes, ashamed, not wanting to look at how shaken and weak she is. At her hand gingerly set against her tender neck. ]
...No, ma'am.
[ "Not usually," he wants to add, but the joke dies long before it reaches his lips. This isn't a laughing matter. ]
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[His gaze dips in an unsatisfactory manner, and one she seeks to command if he is going to wallow the way that she presumes he will.
Having never witnessed Joel in the state in which she just saw him Evelyn is hard-pressed to avoid considering what that could mean for other aspects of who he is. How much he has hidden from her.]
Why would you think me a liar? That I could never- [For a moment she looks prepared to cough, and clears her throat again instead.] -want you? That I was my Mirror?
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At her question, though, he can barely restrain a scoff of incredulity. ]
Why would I? Are you - are you kiddin'?
[ Of course she's not, though, and he shakes his head. ]
Why would I ever think you could want me? Jesus, Evie, I'm a mess. Look at - look at what I just did t'ya.
[ How could any woman want him, a tired, sad old man like him? Much less someone as beautiful, as confident, as accomplished as Evelyn O'Connell. He shakes his head again. ]
Christ, Evie, I don't deserve you. I never could. We both know that.
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[She points out, angrier at her Mirror than him, livid that she got to him first and left things so bitter that he would lash out. In an attempt to protect her, no less, even if he didn't know it was her at all. Evelyn's hands drop into her lap.]
That I wanted you. [I want it to be me.] Even if it was...her.
[Evelyn allows the words to sink in slowly, ice melting on skin, as the elephant in this particular room is obvious to them both. Then she lifts her chin, tipping her head away from him, exposing the thumbprint on her throat. Evelyn glances askance at him.]
I want you to apologise.
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[ He says it quietly, barely audible. He hadn't understood his good luck, how everything he'd dreamed of could possibly be coming true like that, but he'd wanted her, had been wanting her, so badly for so long that he'd just accepted it. Decided not to look the gift horse in the mouth. ]
An' then...today...I didn't wanna be fooled again. Didn't wanna hurt you.
[ He twists up the corner of his mouth bitterly, all too aware of the irony.
Joel looks up at her again, confusion clear on his face. He had apologized, more than once. He doesn't protest, though. She deserves a week of apologies, if that's what she wants. A month. ]
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was tryin' t'protect you. I didn't know.
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Aching. Longing. Lusting. His arms had slipped around her waist so easily when he approached her, the rough scratch of his beard at the juncture between neck and shoulder, the smell of him warm and close and intoxicating. For brief moments Evelyn had scarcely been able to stand for her want of him, held up only by pure will and Joel's steady grasp.
All this is a side of him she has never seen. Anger, yes, and fear - she knows his temper - but the threats he espoused, what he suggested he do to her Mirror regardless of how she treated him...it isn't surprising, so much as it is eye-opening. She appreciates the condolences as he is clearly sincere, but this isn't what she intended.
Evelyn lifts a hand again, fingertips curling over the bruise he left, pointed and deliberate in the gesture.]
I want you to apologise here.
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He hesitates, looking at her for a long moment, wanting to be sure that he isn't misunderstanding her. That he won't offend her, or scare her. Give her anything she doesn't want. But she doesn't shrink away from him, or shift her eyes away from his gaze, and after a moment Joel nods gravely.
He moves closer, crouching in front of her on his knees, and bends his head to her neck, giving her plenty of time to change her mind and push him away before he presses his lips to her bruised and purpling skin. His kisses are soft, fluttering things, the barest press of his mouth all along the ugly handprint he'd left on her neck, light, feathery touches to skin that he knows is tender and fragile.
He won't hurt her. Not again. ]
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But he prostrates himself, after a fashion: Joel nods with unprecedented seriousness, moving before her, lowering himself. Debasement for the sake of her satisfaction in accepting his bid for forgiveness. She lifts her chin as he leans in and his mouth knocks the breath out of her faster than his hand had only minutes prior. Evelyn had anticipated a single apology but he offers a flurry of them, gentle and careful, sincere.
Her eyes slip shut before she can help it and Evelyn makes a small sound of approbation, taken in by the warmth of his breath and the scrape of his chin. Her fingers travel up again, lingering on her lips.]
Here.
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But he'll take this while it lasts. He murmurs in acknowledgement, then reaches for her, gently cradling the back of her head with one hand, fingers sliding through soft hair as he lowers his mouth to hers and kisses her gently. ]
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But none of that matters all that much when Joel takes her order seriously instead of protesting, agreeing to the terms without complaint, and Evelyn shivers as his knuckles brush the flesh of her throat before curling into her hair. His hand is warm and wary, so much so that she almost feels guilty for giving him a challenging stare until he can no longer maintain eye contact for the extreme proximity.
Joel kisses her and Evelyn's lips part in response to let out a soft sigh, pressing back ever so slightly. It is sweet, this kiss, and not at all what she expected, though she does not know what she expected in the first place.
Fingers hunting for purchase they twine in his shirt, gently pulling, anxious for what she has craved.]
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This is far better.
There is no selfishness in the way Evie pulls at his shirt, no ulterior motives in the press of her lips against his own. He had sensed, last night, that Evelyn was keeping something from him. At the time, he had thought it tantalizingly mysterious. Erotic, and right, that a beautiful woman should have secrets to keep. It had only stirred his lust to greater heights. But now, with Evie, the real Evie, open and vulnerable beside him, trusting him even after he had hurt her, unabashedly eager for him...
His heart floods with warmth, nearly extinguishing his guilt, and he bends towards her when she tugs at him, deepening the kiss. ]
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Joel does not disappoint, urged by her gentle tugging and he leans into her. His fingers span the nape of her neck and Evelyn opens her mouth to him, teeth just catching his lip in encouragement. But the strain of craning forward reminds her of her state and Evelyn's hand crawls up to Joel's throat, curled loosely over his Adam's apple when she pulls away enough to breathe.]
Never touch me like that again. [She whispers, thumb brushing his skin.] Promise me.
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What does she mean? Don't threaten me again, don't hurt me? More than understandable, and not something she should even have to ask.
Or is it worse than that?
Never touch me like that again.
Has he blown it already? Is this all he gets, one kiss he'd never deserved before she - justifiably - turns him away forever?
He swallows again, slowly letting his hand fall away from her.
Just in case. ]
I swear, Evie.
I promise.
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Good.
[-as he hand skips back up to his cheek, scratchy and warm. There is a discernible fear in Joel's eyes - that he might have done something else, maybe, and that fear is warranted - but she would never be so cruel as to dangle the carrot before presenting one with the stick. The draw to him is too strong now, and she is too insatiable, so much so that Evelyn practically speaks against his mouth, harried and in a rush.]
I know you want to protect me. [A blessing she can give him, if he so desires.] I want that too, but I want you first. Just you.
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And hope it doesn't come back to bite him in the ass this time.
He sighs into her mouth, sliding a hand into her hair again, kissing her gently, then leaning his forehead forward to rest against hers. His voice is a low rumble, an implicit promise. ]
Tell me what you want, an' I'll give it.