uncalendula | {rping} don't wait for answers

Entry tags:

{rping} don't wait for answers

WHO Evelyn O'Connell (

nascensibility) & Sam Winchester (

ofletters)
WHERE The library sitting area, probably
CANON EWAY AU
SCENARIO As sure as she's a victim of want, resisting is almost futile.

[Patience has never been Evelyn's strong suit.

When she wants something she goes after it, when she needs something she acquires it. Self-denial being the furthest thing from her mind it is incredibly difficult to sit next to Sam on the library sofa in the west wing and not give him furtive looks, sidelong glances that flicker over his mouth and furrowed brow.

They are friends - close friends, by all accounts, and ruining that relationship with something as ridiculous as physical desires and a less-than-platonic affection would...would devastate her.

He is far too important to lose.

So she sits next to him and clutches her book, listening to him wax intellectual about something in Southern Asia and worries her lip with her teeth.]

...Sam?

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[ She may try and hasten away, but she'll find that he's quickly gotten up after her and that he's got hold of her wrist. It isn't a strangling motion, nothing that will hold if she tugs free, but... he's there, a presence, even if he seems confused about it, himself. ]

Wait, just-- Hang on a second.

[ Dammit, he's still trying to figure out whether or not that was real. ]

What're you sorry for? [ He asks, weakly, and releases her wrist. ] I mean-- It's fine. We can forget about it, if you... want.

[ Because she seemed so suddenly as if she'd made a colossal mistake. Maybe she had. Either way, he needed to sort this out, needed to... figure it out in his own mind, at least, before he let her run off. ]

You can go. But... what was that about?

[The instant she feels his fingers wrap around her wrist Evelyn crawls inside of herself and shrinks, visibly getting smaller under his looming frame. Mortified, she turns to stare at the hand holding her back, begging for an explanation she's not sure she has.]

I didn't- that was very presumptuous of me, I didn't even ask you- I...I-I mean I-

[Evelyn stops. Gathers herself. Takes a deep, steadying breath, and exhales. Calmer, she manages:]

I...really like you, Sam. And I've not said anything because I value our friendship and I don't want to lose that, but apparently I can't even keep that in check, I'm- I'm an absolute wreck and all these horrible things have happened and I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't say something before one of us disappeared, and-

[Please stop her.]

I don't think it usually happens that way, [ he begins, almost sheepish, ] the, uh-- the asking.

[ Dammit. Sam stands his ground, glances upward, takes a breath. Counts to ten. ]

If that was about... something to do with everything that's happened lately, then I get it. I've been there. [ He'd yet to forget his drunken kiss to Jo a long while back. ] But if it was more than that--

[ Words! He almost swears, frustrated with himself, not wanting to screw this up, more than anything not wanting to screw this up. ]

I value our friendship, too. More than... [ Most things. ] ... But I've gotta be straight with you. Especially after that.

[ While they're showing their hands, he might as well return the favor. ]

I know how messed up everything is here and how tough it's been for you. The last thing I want to do is to make things harder. But I think I'm in love with you.

[Evelyn, who wears her heart on her sleeve and couldn't deceive someone to save her own life, shifts her gaze from the hand on her wrist to his face. Sam fumbles with his words when upset, or flustered, and telling the difference between the two is a maddening exercise in this moment, with her heart fluttering around in her throat.their friendship is important and it's something that she too would like to keep safe, secure.

To lose him would be...catastrophic.]

Sam-

[Love is not a word that is bandied about by many of the men in her life, men who have too many difficulties conveying their emotions verbally. Accustomed to being the one to say it first she feels her breath catch and pulls her wrist free of his loose grip

before weaving her fingers between his and squeezing lightly. A light laugh covers the anxiety and she pulls him closer.]

You think?

I know.

[ He's more... troubled by all this than embarrassed, more somber than giddy. Because almost every person he's ever love has died. Been murdered, most of the time.

He lets her take his hand, though, trying to produce a smile nonetheless. ]

But--and I mean this in a serious, not-melodramatic way--it's not safe. It's barely safe here as it is, but I'm just-- I'm not a good addition to anyone's life. You've seen that, right?

[ But she doesn't know the half of it. It isn't coincidence, at least not back home. People were killed because of him. Not by chance. ]

[Fortunately for Sam's concern, Evelyn has nine years of experience with weapons and self-defence should anything drastic arise, not that he'd be comforted by the thought. He sobers the conversation and she wants to cradle his face, to smooth the wrinkle from his brow. Evelyn's lips tighten into a line, the deprecating tone sitting terribly with her.

She cares for him deeply, and he for her. Can it not be so simple anymore? Sam saved her life once, and she hasn't forgotten the gesture.]

So you...don't...want to associate with me in that way?

[Evelyn attempts to clarify slowly, confused. Disappointment - not unfamiliar to Evelyn, who is frequently disappointed - colours her face.]

Sam, you- you can't admit that you- what you said, and then tell me I'm being impractical.

You've never impractical. [ He admits the tiniest of smiles, shifting his weight from foot to foot. ] That, I know.

[ She's one of the most practical and resourceful and bright people he knows, actually. Someone who can survive and think of her feet with grace.

There aren't many like her. ]

I do-- Dammit, I just told you I-- [ He exhales heavily, shaking his head. ] I do, of course I do, but it's not about what I want. I'm not-- I couldn't do that to you.

[ He's never been a remotely selfish person and that hasn't changed in Wonderland. ]

[With him standing now, towering over her and shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Evelyn feels impossibly small. The giddiness she allowed to creep up subdues itself, her gaze drops to his chest and she contemplates his words with her usual scepticism.]

...you aren't being selfish,

[she points out, suddenly defencive and raising an eyebrow at him.]

And a decision regarding my safety should require the acquiescence of both parties. Do I not have a say?

Of course you do. [ Sam's expression flickers to something like confusion, and then a guarded concern. ] But you don't-- There's a lot in my past that's... ugly, and bad, and I know everyone says that, but--

[ "I really mean it." How can he possibly convey it all to her? Even if he wanted to... ]

You've got a say.

[Similarly there is a great deal in Evelyn's life that is ugly and bad, and horrifying, but there are good things, too. A family who loves her. A home.]

Is the price of happiness here so great that you would deny yourself a scrap of it? Your past is your past, just as mine belongs to me. It doesn't mean you should avoid succor when it presents itself out of a concern that you might lose it.

[She rests a hand on his arm.]

Otherwise there would be no point in taking risks.

I've heard that before; it didn't help save lives. They're gone, and I'm still--

[ He swallows hard. She doesn't know how many times he'd died before Wonderland, the things he'd been through and done. He's just a big liability in her life, love or not. ]

This isn't just a risk, like-- I don't know, a bad breakup or something. This could be life and death. And I'm not worth that risk. It's not worth it to me.

[It didn't help save lives. They're gone. How many people, she wonders, could he be referring to? How many were lost? How many were because of him?

Evelyn does not gape at him so much as star confusedly, feeling the subtle and quiet humiliation creeping in again. She kissed him and, in a desperate bid to vacate the premises instead of facing him, was dragged into a conversation that Sam was clearly of one mind about despite his claims of ambivalence.]

...it's not worth it to you.

[I'm not worth it to you.]

I see.

[Stiffening, jaw tight and back straight - although laughably small compared to the man in front of her even at full height - Evelyn nods and her gaze jumps away from his, incapable of making eye contact when the predominant emotions are anger and embarrassment.]

I'll...go.

[ Even if he'd like to just let her go, to let her believe what he hopes she believes (that he's bad for her, a toxic cloud of a human being), he finds himself drawn forward just slightly as if magnetized. His heart throbs painfully, eyes locked on hers even when she looks away. ]

I don't--

[ "I don't want this." He cuts off, torn between grief and frustration, unable to express the tornado in his soul. He's a lot like some huge, agitated animal, just a few moments of indecision away from pacing back and forth. ]

Just-- Wait. [ God. Where could he even begin to make this right? ] I'm sorry, that... came out wrong.

[ Sam swallows with difficulty, taking a long, slow breath. ]

Let me try and work this out, to explain... I don't know. [ He stares hard at her, pleading silently. ] Just a minute. Okay? Then, if you want, you can... go.

[She curtails her need to leave to preserve her pride, biting back something snippy that wants to wheedle its way out to Sam, something pained and hurt. Evelyn does realise, however, that Sam's life is far from perfect and he is working off of precedent, which she should respect.

She settles then, fingers laced in front of her, patient.]

I'll wait.

[ He's still pricked with the desire to back off. To let her leave so she'll be safe from his shit destiny and everything that goes with it. ... But she doesn't deserve that; she isn't some girl from a local town that they're breezing through on a hunt. Whatever he says or does, he'll see her every day. They've been friends and confidants for years now and he owes her the truth, owes her a chance at the very, very least.

She could leave, he realizes, at any moment. Like everyone else. It's this that finally gets him talking, which he does slowly and very carefully. ]

I've had shadows hanging over my head since I was a baby. Demons killed my mom then because of me; when I stopped hunting to try and go to college, they did the same thing to my girlfriend. I don't think I could have stopped either one, but because of something crappy like bloodlines, people close to me died.

[ And it's happened more than that, as he's said. ]

Our life is... a lot. I mean, you know what Dean and I're like. It's bloody and thankless and there aren't any perks. You save lives, which... is why we do it, obviously, but it can make you afraid, really afraid. Withdrawn.

[ His relationship with his brother isn't exactly the standard sibling stuff, though not without reason. ]

I respect you to make your own decision. Wonderland is different, but some of our old enemies are here. Have been here before and could come back. They could use you, still might, considering.

[ How close they are. He looks tired, sad, wants more than anything to draw her into his arms and hold her close. ]

I can tell you anything. Whatever you want, about what's happened. If you decide then that you want to be with me -

[ His expression says "then I won't fight it." It says "I'd love that, because I love you, but I just want you safe." It says a lot. ]

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{rping} don't wait for answers

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