uncalendula | {rping} don't wait for answers

Entry tags:

{rping} don't wait for answers

WHO Evelyn O'Connell (

nascensibility) & Sam Winchester (

ofletters)
WHERE The library sitting area, probably
CANON EWAY AU
SCENARIO As sure as she's a victim of want, resisting is almost futile.

[Patience has never been Evelyn's strong suit.

When she wants something she goes after it, when she needs something she acquires it. Self-denial being the furthest thing from her mind it is incredibly difficult to sit next to Sam on the library sofa in the west wing and not give him furtive looks, sidelong glances that flicker over his mouth and furrowed brow.

They are friends - close friends, by all accounts, and ruining that relationship with something as ridiculous as physical desires and a less-than-platonic affection would...would devastate her.

He is far too important to lose.

So she sits next to him and clutches her book, listening to him wax intellectual about something in Southern Asia and worries her lip with her teeth.]

...Sam?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Just another day. There isn't anything special about it, per se; the mansion is a chaotic pit as usual, the library a solace he's always been grateful for. With his brother on the loose like a rabid bear and his friends dropping like flies, it's all he can do to pull himself out of his room lately, rather than to lock himself down and bemoan the fact that he hasn't been able to do jack shit to stop Dean.

He's trying not to think about all that at the moment, deep in conversation with Evie at his side, in the middle of a sentence when she speaks up. ]

--mountains. What? [ He stops, doing a double-take, brows shooting up in question. ] Yes?

[ She looks worried. His heart pounds a little in anticipation; he can guess what she's concerned about. The same thing he is, and the rest of Wonderland, too.

Or so he thinks. ]

Is this...is this really necessary? This...armed escort thing?

[It makes it nearly-impossible for her to get a spare moment away from him, alone, where she won't be forced to think about what it might be like to kiss him, wrap her arms around his neck, slide into his lap.]

N-Not that I don't appreciate it! I do! [she hastens to amend, ripping her gaze away from his face to stare determinedly into the middle distance.] I know you're worried about what Dean might do and I enjoy spending time with you, but I feel as though the hovering might be a bit much.

Armed--

[ Oh. Him. He flushes a bit at what he feels are the implications: hovering, escort, babysitting, annoying, overbearing.

She isn't his to protect, doesn't need anyone to do that for her; he knows this. It's part of the affection he has for her, that she is just as capable as anyone he knows, highly intelligent, sweet, and--

But, that isn't the point. He swallows, head bobbing in a nod, turning away from her and slowly shutting the book. ]

... No, I get it. I didn't mean to... do that.

[ Not on purpose, really. He just wants her to be safe, doesn't want her to end up like all his other friends who have been hurt or stalked or worse. But, it's too late for some of that, isn't it? Dean had the run of the place and he's been nothing if not entirely useless.

Can't even be a proper friend, seems like, without screwing that up.

Pain crawls into his insides like a disease. Sam puts on a smile that's earnest in appearance and entirely a lie. ]

Old habits. Alright, no more lecturing; you're free to go.

[Sam is, in fact, the opposite of annoying, but what is overbearing is the constant vigilance he employs just to make sure she's all right. The unnecessary, heavy-handed attempt to ensure her safety is what irks her. Not him. Never him. Evelyn almost feels guilty when he flusters, clearly blaming himself again - and she's noticed he does that, rather often.

She wilts even further under his smile, bright and inordinately happy, so much so that she's certain the sentiment isn't genuine.]

I didn't...mean it like that...

[He's stubborn, not unlike her, and certainly won't be talked out of this state. Clearing her throat and setting her book aside Evelyn gets to her feet, "free to go." For a moment she lingers, looking down at him and feeling something in her chest ache with sympathy, a desire to placate his distress. Evelyn's fingertips curl over the line of his jaw and the gesture is meant to be comforting.]

I know you mean well.

[It it meant to be comforting, but when she leans in to kiss him gently, a goodbye she can't quite resist, there is a little more comfort than intended.]

[ Sam's about to get up, himself, when her fingers curl at his jaw. He swallows, blinking up at her, a little more tense that he should be. ... But, that's because of the situation, of course, and not just with her, but with the entirety of Wonderland. His life here has become a cosmic joke; a place which might have been--which had been--a new start had festered into a bleak nightmare. Even his closest friends knew that a lot of this had been his fault.

How can I disagree? ]

I just-- [ But he's cut off, suddenly. Distracted. It's just a peck, but his edged expression softens. She knows he has good intentions even if he doesn't believe in himself anymore.

It's enough. His lips twitch upward in something small, affectionate, but genuine. ]

... Thanks. I'll figure all this out. I will.

[Sam smells of leather and freshly-washed clothes, a subtle taste she wants to devour and an embarrassed flush creeps over her chest at the thought that she just-

She actually-

...it was fondness alone, he must think, and little else. Never mind the fact that he heart feels as though it is pounding in her ears, his vague, relaxed smile sending another striking jolt of desire through her. It is unfair to push, she knows, particularly when she knows not his own feelings, when he appears to consider them entirely friendly and nothing more.

Evelyn is still close when he speaks, parting her lips to breathe in his words and unable to resist the pull. Inexorably dragged back to him, all sweetness and genuine ardour she nods an affirmation.

She then cranes back into the little space between them to kiss him again, lingering, mouth to mouth and no light peck.]

[ Of all the possible things that could have happened in that moment, he would never have guessed that this would be it. A meteor shower or alien invasion seemed more likely. Or both.

There's no explanation for her lips on his and he's startled into inaction, eyes shooting open and brain frying by the action alone. In a few seconds his mind darts from explanation to explanation, none of which begin and end with her having any kind of feelings for him. It's some kind of mistake, an accident, something... something else.

A deep warmth settles down on him nonetheless. Against his will, his better judgment, his eyes close. Despite what he wants for her and thinks she deserves, he raises a hand to cup her face.

He kisses her back. It's something that he maybe thought about before but never lingered on, didn't fantasize about in the way his brother might. The thought of Dean--of how he currently is--sends a fire shooting through his body that lights up their little embrace and he tugs her in closer.

I just want you to be happy. ]

[The only explanation is one she has yet to discuss with him, it lingers in the back of her mind and rarely stretches a hand out to meet his, let alone guides him into a kiss. Sam startles at first but doesn't break, his hand moving to cup her cheek as she presses closer and sighs against his mouth.

It is thoughtless and impulsive, a selfish act for which she should be ashamed but cannot bring herself to regret in the moment.

The moment passes.]

Oh-

[Oh God. Evelyn stiffens, straightens, wide-eyed and pinked-cheeked and thoroughly ashamed of herself for being so abrasively blunt. Of course he would reciprocate, politesse might dictate it if his own fondness didn't, but it was rude of her and in terribly poor form.]

I'm- I'm so sorry, Sam, I- I-

[Flustering and wringing her hands she casts him a desperate, deer-eyed look and abruptly states-]

I...I should go.

[-before turning of her heel and hastening away.]

[ She may try and hasten away, but she'll find that he's quickly gotten up after her and that he's got hold of her wrist. It isn't a strangling motion, nothing that will hold if she tugs free, but... he's there, a presence, even if he seems confused about it, himself. ]

Wait, just-- Hang on a second.

[ Dammit, he's still trying to figure out whether or not that was real. ]

What're you sorry for? [ He asks, weakly, and releases her wrist. ] I mean-- It's fine. We can forget about it, if you... want.

[ Because she seemed so suddenly as if she'd made a colossal mistake. Maybe she had. Either way, he needed to sort this out, needed to... figure it out in his own mind, at least, before he let her run off. ]

You can go. But... what was that about?

[The instant she feels his fingers wrap around her wrist Evelyn crawls inside of herself and shrinks, visibly getting smaller under his looming frame. Mortified, she turns to stare at the hand holding her back, begging for an explanation she's not sure she has.]

I didn't- that was very presumptuous of me, I didn't even ask you- I...I-I mean I-

[Evelyn stops. Gathers herself. Takes a deep, steadying breath, and exhales. Calmer, she manages:]

I...really like you, Sam. And I've not said anything because I value our friendship and I don't want to lose that, but apparently I can't even keep that in check, I'm- I'm an absolute wreck and all these horrible things have happened and I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't say something before one of us disappeared, and-

[Please stop her.]

I don't think it usually happens that way, [ he begins, almost sheepish, ] the, uh-- the asking.

[ Dammit. Sam stands his ground, glances upward, takes a breath. Counts to ten. ]

If that was about... something to do with everything that's happened lately, then I get it. I've been there. [ He'd yet to forget his drunken kiss to Jo a long while back. ] But if it was more than that--

[ Words! He almost swears, frustrated with himself, not wanting to screw this up, more than anything not wanting to screw this up. ]

I value our friendship, too. More than... [ Most things. ] ... But I've gotta be straight with you. Especially after that.

[ While they're showing their hands, he might as well return the favor. ]

I know how messed up everything is here and how tough it's been for you. The last thing I want to do is to make things harder. But I think I'm in love with you.

[Evelyn, who wears her heart on her sleeve and couldn't deceive someone to save her own life, shifts her gaze from the hand on her wrist to his face. Sam fumbles with his words when upset, or flustered, and telling the difference between the two is a maddening exercise in this moment, with her heart fluttering around in her throat.their friendship is important and it's something that she too would like to keep safe, secure.

To lose him would be...catastrophic.]

Sam-

[Love is not a word that is bandied about by many of the men in her life, men who have too many difficulties conveying their emotions verbally. Accustomed to being the one to say it first she feels her breath catch and pulls her wrist free of his loose grip

before weaving her fingers between his and squeezing lightly. A light laugh covers the anxiety and she pulls him closer.]

You think?

I know.

[ He's more... troubled by all this than embarrassed, more somber than giddy. Because almost every person he's ever love has died. Been murdered, most of the time.

He lets her take his hand, though, trying to produce a smile nonetheless. ]

But--and I mean this in a serious, not-melodramatic way--it's not safe. It's barely safe here as it is, but I'm just-- I'm not a good addition to anyone's life. You've seen that, right?

[ But she doesn't know the half of it. It isn't coincidence, at least not back home. People were killed because of him. Not by chance. ]

[Fortunately for Sam's concern, Evelyn has nine years of experience with weapons and self-defence should anything drastic arise, not that he'd be comforted by the thought. He sobers the conversation and she wants to cradle his face, to smooth the wrinkle from his brow. Evelyn's lips tighten into a line, the deprecating tone sitting terribly with her.

She cares for him deeply, and he for her. Can it not be so simple anymore? Sam saved her life once, and she hasn't forgotten the gesture.]

So you...don't...want to associate with me in that way?

[Evelyn attempts to clarify slowly, confused. Disappointment - not unfamiliar to Evelyn, who is frequently disappointed - colours her face.]

Sam, you- you can't admit that you- what you said, and then tell me I'm being impractical.

You've never impractical. [ He admits the tiniest of smiles, shifting his weight from foot to foot. ] That, I know.

[ She's one of the most practical and resourceful and bright people he knows, actually. Someone who can survive and think of her feet with grace.

There aren't many like her. ]

I do-- Dammit, I just told you I-- [ He exhales heavily, shaking his head. ] I do, of course I do, but it's not about what I want. I'm not-- I couldn't do that to you.

[ He's never been a remotely selfish person and that hasn't changed in Wonderland. ]

[With him standing now, towering over her and shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Evelyn feels impossibly small. The giddiness she allowed to creep up subdues itself, her gaze drops to his chest and she contemplates his words with her usual scepticism.]

...you aren't being selfish,

[she points out, suddenly defencive and raising an eyebrow at him.]

And a decision regarding my safety should require the acquiescence of both parties. Do I not have a say?

Of course you do. [ Sam's expression flickers to something like confusion, and then a guarded concern. ] But you don't-- There's a lot in my past that's... ugly, and bad, and I know everyone says that, but--

[ "I really mean it." How can he possibly convey it all to her? Even if he wanted to... ]

You've got a say.

[Similarly there is a great deal in Evelyn's life that is ugly and bad, and horrifying, but there are good things, too. A family who loves her. A home.]

Is the price of happiness here so great that you would deny yourself a scrap of it? Your past is your past, just as mine belongs to me. It doesn't mean you should avoid succor when it presents itself out of a concern that you might lose it.

[She rests a hand on his arm.]

Otherwise there would be no point in taking risks.

I've heard that before; it didn't help save lives. They're gone, and I'm still--

[ He swallows hard. She doesn't know how many times he'd died before Wonderland, the things he'd been through and done. He's just a big liability in her life, love or not. ]

This isn't just a risk, like-- I don't know, a bad breakup or something. This could be life and death. And I'm not worth that risk. It's not worth it to me.

[It didn't help save lives. They're gone. How many people, she wonders, could he be referring to? How many were lost? How many were because of him?

Evelyn does not gape at him so much as star confusedly, feeling the subtle and quiet humiliation creeping in again. She kissed him and, in a desperate bid to vacate the premises instead of facing him, was dragged into a conversation that Sam was clearly of one mind about despite his claims of ambivalence.]

...it's not worth it to you.

[I'm not worth it to you.]

I see.

[Stiffening, jaw tight and back straight - although laughably small compared to the man in front of her even at full height - Evelyn nods and her gaze jumps away from his, incapable of making eye contact when the predominant emotions are anger and embarrassment.]

I'll...go.

[ Even if he'd like to just let her go, to let her believe what he hopes she believes (that he's bad for her, a toxic cloud of a human being), he finds himself drawn forward just slightly as if magnetized. His heart throbs painfully, eyes locked on hers even when she looks away. ]

I don't--

[ "I don't want this." He cuts off, torn between grief and frustration, unable to express the tornado in his soul. He's a lot like some huge, agitated animal, just a few moments of indecision away from pacing back and forth. ]

Just-- Wait. [ God. Where could he even begin to make this right? ] I'm sorry, that... came out wrong.

[ Sam swallows with difficulty, taking a long, slow breath. ]

Let me try and work this out, to explain... I don't know. [ He stares hard at her, pleading silently. ] Just a minute. Okay? Then, if you want, you can... go.

[She curtails her need to leave to preserve her pride, biting back something snippy that wants to wheedle its way out to Sam, something pained and hurt. Evelyn does realise, however, that Sam's life is far from perfect and he is working off of precedent, which she should respect.

She settles then, fingers laced in front of her, patient.]

I'll wait.

[ He's still pricked with the desire to back off. To let her leave so she'll be safe from his shit destiny and everything that goes with it. ... But she doesn't deserve that; she isn't some girl from a local town that they're breezing through on a hunt. Whatever he says or does, he'll see her every day. They've been friends and confidants for years now and he owes her the truth, owes her a chance at the very, very least.

She could leave, he realizes, at any moment. Like everyone else. It's this that finally gets him talking, which he does slowly and very carefully. ]

I've had shadows hanging over my head since I was a baby. Demons killed my mom then because of me; when I stopped hunting to try and go to college, they did the same thing to my girlfriend. I don't think I could have stopped either one, but because of something crappy like bloodlines, people close to me died.

[ And it's happened more than that, as he's said. ]

Our life is... a lot. I mean, you know what Dean and I're like. It's bloody and thankless and there aren't any perks. You save lives, which... is why we do it, obviously, but it can make you afraid, really afraid. Withdrawn.

[ His relationship with his brother isn't exactly the standard sibling stuff, though not without reason. ]

I respect you to make your own decision. Wonderland is different, but some of our old enemies are here. Have been here before and could come back. They could use you, still might, considering.

[ How close they are. He looks tired, sad, wants more than anything to draw her into his arms and hold her close. ]

I can tell you anything. Whatever you want, about what's happened. If you decide then that you want to be with me -

[ His expression says "then I won't fight it." It says "I'd love that, because I love you, but I just want you safe." It says a lot. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

{rping} don't wait for answers

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject